This is part two of a three part series. In part one I told of what I lost through cancer. In this second part I tell of what I found through life threatening cancer.
I Found Fearlessness
I was given the challenge of a life time, do I just give up of fight like hell. The oncologist offered me five options, one was to do nothing. The other four were frightening. I chose to do nothing and he immediately snatched that option from the table. I was already defeated. I left the decision to him and my daughter.
Without boring you with the ugly truth of cancer treatment I will break it down into simple terms. Over the next eighteen months I had eleven surgeries, thirty three consecutive radiations treatments, and two courses of chemotherapy. I lost about forty percent of my weight, my ability to drink, eat, and swallow. I began having seizures, became extremely malnourished and dehydrated. On Christmas Eve I had a feeding tube inserted directly into my stomach. This was in place for thirteen months during which time my jaw was frozen. My esophagus was so burned I could not speak for over a year.
I died twice during this time, a very peaceful and beautiful experience. I was brutally pulled back to the living. I had always known and loved God but I depended on him more than ever. I gave him my entire heart, held nothing back. People were praying for me in two states and angels kept finding me, wherever I was. Total strangers approached me in the hospital and chemo lab and told me that God had sent them to me to offer prayer and strength. I couldn’t speak yet I received calls from friends who offered support and prayers. Not my husband, I never heard a word from him, for two years, nothing.
One day I received a call and he told me he had moved on, he had filed for divorce. I wrote him a letter begging him not to do this at this time, it would kill me. He pursued it anyway and I almost died. Having a desire to help the underdog was always a trait I owned; this time I was the underdog. I told him I would live in spite of him. He could not have the home and business that I bought and worked so hard for. Spitefully I told him I would burn it to the ground before I gave it to him and his girlfriend, and I fought like hell.
His ego and philandering saved my life. To this day I know I could not have lived had he not offered me the opportunity to fight? How had my life come to this? I felt like Job. What more do you want from me God? I never complained to a living soul, I trusted God. He gave me a new chance, a new life and a new beginning. I have found that I am quite happy without all the trappings that once owned me. He provides me with what I need, not always what I want. I am content and usually happy. I just passed the five year mark for cancer free survival. I have had several other small cancers along the way and God walks me through it. He has given me life and strength and taken away all fear.
I found fearlessness.